I crumbled

I crumbled

I am human. I am not perfect. I make mistakes, I fall, and I crumble. And yesterday, I crumbled. 

Recovery is a tricky thing. It is not always linear, or even comprehensible in that matter. Our brains may occasionally fail to sync with our bodies, which inevitably causes a break in the harmony between our minds and souls. Unfortunately for the sake of humanity, it is impossible to be forever happy, or forever positive. We strive to be our best selves day in and day out, but we must learn to acknowledge the stone cold truth that having a bad day is part of what makes us human. And that's okay. 

I will be the very first to admit that while my highs are sky high, my lows bring me to the deepest of rock bottoms. I am blessed to feel things so deeply, but I am cursed to feel the stings of my struggles so intensely. While my life has changed drastically from the years I suffered the most painful of mental turmoils, I still feel the piercing pain of these internal battles every now and again. This is a part of recovery, although not a glamorous part, it is one of the most crucial building blocks of discovering my true strength. These rock bottom moments are the moments we come to see that the fire within us truly does burn brighter than the fire around us.

It is when I am sitting alone, tears overflowing from the depths of my heart & holding my head in my hands that I realize that I am not invincible. I was broken for so many years that my soul still lingers in my past, forever healing from the wounds I caused. My foundation is cracked, and while I have worked on filling these cracks for years, they still exist. Rather than ignoring them, I embrace them. I may be broken, but that is not all I am. I am strong, resilient, and passionate. I am a warrior.

Yesterday, my demons awoke. They crawled back into my mind and refused to leave until they flipped my world upside down. They ransacked my thoughts, ripped apart my rationality and demolished my sense of reason. My demons took over, and I sat back while I watched my body sink deeper and deeper into the dark water. I surrendered to my relentlessly horrific abusers. I allowed them to swallow me whole. I crumbled.   

But today, I fought. My demons, though less overpowering in this moment, are never quite silenced. They wait patiently for a reason to wake and crawl back to my ear. But I am resilient - pieced together by the strength in my soul. Today my heart is full, my mind is still and my spirit is at ease. I am not blind to the fact that my demons are forever present, but I am strong enough to fight them off for another day. 

Above all, I am not ashamed of my failures. Yesterday I did not recognize myself. I looked in the mirror and saw a shattered girl with pain in her eyes, not the fighter I have come to know and love. I am not embarrassed of my breakdowns, but rather grateful for them. With days like this, I am able to see how insanely strong I am for having come so far. Yesterday, I was reminded of what a life with ED was like. I was reminded of the hopelessness I felt deep within my core, and the fear I felt flowing through my veins every single day for years. But today, I am finally able to see that I am one hell of a fighter. I overcame my abuser. I killed the demon that tried to kill me. You may see me struggle, but you will never see me give up.

And so, I leave you with this...be thankful for every failure, for they were planned. They come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then leave. Their purpose is to shake you up, tear you apart, reveal your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you have to transform your life. And you do.