RecoveryHannah Durbin

Gone For Good

RecoveryHannah Durbin
Gone For Good

"Do you ever miss ED?"

This question is something I have thought about indirectly thousands of times, but seeing the words written down in front of me made it really hit home. Without hesitation, I strongly said "not even for a second" and that's when I came to realize just how much I've changed in just a few short years. 

ED destroyed me. Life with ED was a series of strung along days that all blended together in my mind. Each new set of 24 hours was filled with fear, overwhelming anxiety, pressure and guilt. Every breath I took and every move I made was dictated by this abuser living in my head. I was chained to a lifeless existence, with no hope for escape. My heart was heavy, my brain was weak and my body was frail. Looking back at these years still strikes my heart with a sharp pain, knowing that they were wasted on feelings of hopelessness and discontentment. ED was relentless, refusing to loosen his grip. Every time I pushed away, his grip tightened until I was gasping for air and begging for his pity. He controlled me - every part of me. And he had every intention of killing me in the end.

So no, I do not miss ED. Not at all. Life in recovery is beyond even your greatest expectations. It is waking up early in the morning with energy in your eyes and passion in your veins. It is your bright-eyed smile and contagious laugh. It is your love for spontaneity and your desire to explore the world. It is the way you love, respect and admire yourself for the incredible things you do. Recovery is most appreciated in the little moments - an unexpected laugh or a guilt free treat. It is freedom. 

Not a day goes by that I wish ED were back in my life. I do not miss his lies, deception or destruction. I do not crave his empty promises. I resent every part of him, and wish him the worst. I am stronger now because of him, but will never allow him the satisfaction of stepping back into my life for another moment. He is gone for good.